“Captain, you’ll need your cold weather kit.” Neelix passed her the padd containing the details of the planet they were orbiting.
Kathryn skimmed over the details. It was winter – there was snow on the ground but it was clear. The temperature was just below freezing. As a child, she’d loved winter and snow in particular. She knew it was silly but she loved the sound and smell of winter – the crispness of the air and the feeling of her boots crunching through icy ground. Then there was the scenery. The white snow on the trees, the snow capped houses and the wonderful playful days as a young girl. It would be quiet and peaceful - just what she needed. She would spend an hour or two off the ship, stretching her legs, breathing some ‘real’ air for a change. “Thank you, Neelix. I’ll see you in fifteen minutes.”
Neelix left to pick up his gear.
Chakotay was sitting next to her on the Bridge. Most members of the crew had spent some shore leave on the planet after they had obtained all the raw materials they required. It was now their captain’s turn. Tuvok and Chakotay had ‘approved’ her shore leave. They’d ordered Lt Ayala to go down with Neelix and his captain but remain a discreet distance away just in case. Chakotay was happy that she’d agreed to go. The captain needed it. She’d been quiet and contemplative just like the rest of the crew had been since Seska left. All wasn’t right because she hadn’t fought Tuvok and him when they’d suggested that she take some time off. All the captains he’d known had fought tooth and nail not to take shore leave.
“Well, gentlemen. Look after my ship.”
“Aye, Captain.” Politely, Chakotay stood up, watching his captain leave.
Nodding, Kathryn left the Bridge heading for Environment control to pick up the winter clothes.
~~*~~
Lost in her own thoughts, Kathryn wandered aimlessly over the snow-covered ground. It was cold. She was glad she wore gloves but even so her hands were stuffed in her pockets and her nose tingled. Her breath formed clouds in front of her. She headed without any thought to a copse of trees. It amazed her that these snow-covered trees were almost identical to the fir trees back on Earth.
Neelix wandered about a hundred metres away from his captain. Snow was new to him. Talax and Rinax had temperate climates. He found the cold invigorating and he enjoyed his time on the unnamed planet. He and Kes had enjoyed their time together as well, even indulging in a snowball fight that Mr Paris had started.
Mike Ayala was a further hundred metres away. He hadn’t seen snow for almost fifteen years but he couldn’t enjoy himself. He was on duty. Chakotay would have his balls if anything happened to the captain. His tricorder would beep every fifteen seconds telling him that the proximity scan was negative allowing him to keep on eye on the captain.
Kathryn reached the trees. Taking her gloved hands out of her parka, she pulled a low branch down then released it. The branch flicked up making the snow billow up, covering her with flakes of snow. Smiling, she remembered doing this to her father. As a ten year old, they’d been walking through the woods near Lake George and she’d covered her father with snow. At first, he’d had a shocked look on his face that turned into a smile then a big belly laugh. Edward had then declared war and Kathryn had run away but she couldn’t run fast because she’d been giggling too much and eventually her dad had caught up with her, exacting his own playful revenge on her.
Those were the days. So carefree. Fun.
Sighing, she continued to walk through the thinning trees that opened onto a snow-covered field leading up to a frozen lake. Across the frozen water, a majestic range of mountains rose up from the banks of the lake and the deep blue sky contrasted the snow-topped peaks. The scene almost picture perfect.
And then Kathryn froze.
Pain.
Fear.
Panic.
Despair.
It all flooded back.
She couldn’t move.
She couldn’t breathe.
Her legs failed her and she dropped to the ground. Nausea rose like a volcano from her bowels. She would be lucky to hold onto her lunch. She closed her eyes vainly trying to recapture her equilibrium. When she reopened her eyes, she was in another place and time.
* Kathryn drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally, the pain was enough to keep her awake. All she felt was pain - everywhere. Her head hurt, blood trickled from her forehead into an eye, half blinding her. Blinking her eyes, she tried to clear her blurry vision. After a few seconds, her sight had cleared enough that she could look at herself. Bile rose as she saw her left leg was twisted unnaturally with blood seeping through her torn pants onto the white snow.
Kathryn tried to prop herself up her elbows but regretted the move instantly. Pain erupted everywhere. White flashes filled her vision, blinding her. In agony, she cried out and slumped back on the snow.
After a few deep breaths to regain some control, she ran her good hand over her stomach. Her other arm was broken. Her uniform jacket was in torn and she stopped when her hand felt a serrated piece of metal sticking out of her stomach. She brought her hand up closer to her face. Looking at the dark red blood that had seeped out of the wound onto her fingers, she caught her breath. She was in trouble. Deep trouble. Placing both hands around the jagged piece of duranium, she tried to stem the flow of blood.
Somehow, she’d lost her combadge in the crash so she’d have to hang on and await rescue. Their support ship would come soon, she hoped.
Kathryn looked around. To her left, there was a glade of trees and as she slowly moved her head around to the right, she gasped. The shuttle. The stern of the ship had broken off. She could only see the cockpit half buried in the ice of the lake. She wasn’t sure but she thought she could see a flash of red and yellow uniforms in the ship’s viewport.
She now became aware of the low rumbling sounds of ice cracking up. They were getting louder like thunder claps from an approaching storm.
Desperate, she tried to move but she couldn’t make her broken body move. Her leg was a mess. She was a mess. The pain was too much.
She yelled.
Daddy.
Justin.
Suddenly, there was a very loud boom. The ice broke apart in large chunks and the nose of the prototype tilted down and then dove straight into the cold water very quickly. After the shuttle disappeared into the cold murky depths, there was very little evidence of what had just happened on the surface. The chunks of ice had bobbed on the surface a few times before sealing the hole almost perfectly like nothing had happened. There was no debris, no scorch marks, nothing.
It was all over in a second or two but to Kathryn it had lasted an eternity.
Oh, god.
No.
She screamed. For her father. For Justin. For herself.
Her hand reached for the lake, trying to claw her way to the bank, wanting to join them in death. She couldn’t. Her damaged body refused to move. The only thing left she could do was scream, from the pain of her injuries and the pain of her loss.*
Mike Ayala was running a long-range scan of the perimeter, facing away from the lake. The tricorder beeped a warning. Alert, he scanned the tricorder data. At the same time, his combadge chirped.
“Doctor to Ayala.” It was the Doctor’s standard practice to monitor any Away team’s life signs via their combadges. The medical computer alerted him to the significant increases in the captain’s blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration.
“Ayala here.” Mike already had an idea of why the Doctor was calling. The tricorder registered near dangerous life signs from the captain.
“Mr Ayala, is everything all right? The captain is not answering my hails. Her vitals just went off the scale.”
“I’m reading that, too. Everything seems normal. I’m about two hundred metres away from the captain. Stand by.”
“Very well, Lieutenant.”
Mike knew there had been nothing on the tricorder scans since they’d transported on the surface. No life signs other than the three of them, not even a bird. Quickly, he snapped the tricorder shut and then moved as fast as he could toward the captain. Despite the snow, he rapidly covered the distance.
Ayala found his captain kneeling on the ground, clutching at her belly staring out towards the lake. He knew it wasn’t an attack, his tricorder would have told him. While he ran his tricorder over her, he realized it was going to confirm something that his eyes and ears were telling him. He heard a faint whimper of ‘Justin’ and ‘Daddy’ over and over again while her eyes stared ahead toward the lake. Her skin was pallid and she was sweating despite the cold. Mike had a fair idea what was wrong having experience of seeing people having flashbacks when he was in the Maquis. He had a few to know from personal experience how real they could be as well.
Carefully, Mike placed a hand on her shoulder. “Captain?”
Kathryn jumped and gasped. Her eyes darted about and she balled her fists. Shit, what just happened? Still disorientated, she looked around. Why was she kneeling on the ground? Then it hit her. The crash. Tau Ceti Prime. The frozen lake. Her father and Justin. Her pain. From deep within, she found the strength not to throw up.
Looking up at Mike, Kathryn mumbled she was fine. She just needed some time to recover - alone. Standing up, she headed for the lakeside.
Mike let her go.
When Neelix saw the security officer move quickly toward where he thought the captain was he’d moved as well. Something must be wrong. Neelix was shocked to see the captain kneeling on the snow, frozen to the spot. Eventually, he began to breathe and his mind switched back on. He reached up to unzip his pocket that held his communicator, ready to call for an emergency beam out to Sickbay.
Mike heard Neelix fumble with his jacket and realized that he was going to contact the ship. “Wait, Neelix.”
“But …”
“Please, Neelix.” Mike checked the captain’s stats, her stress levels were nearly off the scale, but her heart rate, respiration, and blood pressure had begun to fall, although they were still above normal. “She’ll be okay.”
Neelix thought for a few seconds. Although, his captain’s pale face had filled him with dread, he bowed to the more experienced man. He was still getting used to his strange travelling companions. “All right, Lieutenant. Anything I can do?”
“Nothing at the moment. I need to contact the Doctor and Chakotay.”
Neelix watched as the captain walked along the lakeshore.
Mike patted his combadge. “Ayala to the Doctor.”
“Yes, Mr Ayala.”
“Everything is okay. Give me a few minutes.” If Janeway was anything like Chakotay was when he’d been his captain then she wouldn’t want this episode to become common knowledge.
“Lieutenant. I …”
“Please, Doctor. Let Commander Chakotay handle it.” Mike knew that his boss and friend had been forming a firm friendship with the captain. He would be the only one to help her. He doubted that Tuvok would understand her emotions.
The Doctor paused. The captain’s biometric information was returning to normal. “All right, Mr Ayala. But if I see another spike in her vitals, the captain will be beamed straight to Sickbay.”
“Agreed and thank you, Doctor. Ayala out.” Mike pressed his combadge again. He hoped that Chakotay was alone in the Ready Room. “Ayala to Chakotay.”
“Go ahead, Mike.” Chakotay was updating the crew’s roster for the next fortnight in the Ready Room.
“Code Charlie 2, boss?”
Alerted, Chakotay immediately sat up, pushing the padd aside. Code Charlie 2 was a Maquis code asking if you were free to speak. “Yes. What’s happened?”
“I think you should come down here.”
“Now?”
“Yes. It’s the captain. She’s okay but I think she’s just had a flashback.”
Mike didn’t have to say anything more. A flashback. He hadn’t had a one for well over a year. The smell of cooking pig on a barbeque had set him off. It had reminded him of the sickly sweet smell of burning humanoid flesh. His Maquis cell had witnessed the aftermath of yet another brutal Cardassian attack. In the market square of a village on Woran, the Cardassians had killed all the villagers dragging all the bodies to make a very large pyre. His own village had suffered the same fate. “I’ll be right down after I tell Tuvok.”
“Right, boss. Ayala, out.”
Chakotay left the Ready Room, heading to the turbo lift. “Mr Tuvok, come with me. Mr Paris, you have the Bridge.”
At the helm, Paris turned around and acknowledged the order.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow. It was unusual for him to leave his post while the captain was off the ship but he complied. His replacement, Lt Rollins, was a capable officer.
When the doors closed, Chakotay filled him in on what little he knew.
“I understand, sir.” Tuvok had been in the Maquis long enough to know that the commander and Ayala had a great deal of experience in dealing with people suffering from the after effects of severely traumatic experiences. The Vulcan also knew the captain’s record. There were enough incidents in her past that would affect her in such a manner.
The turbolift stopped on deck four. When the doors opened, Tuvok remained inside of the lift. “I shall return to the Bridge, sir.”
“Thank you, Tuvok.” Chakotay nodded and then walked in to the transporter room.
The ensign on duty handed him a parka and gloves that he put on, then stepped on to the transporter pad.
“Energize.” A moment later, Chakotay materialized near Mike.
Mike pointed to where Captain Janeway was walking.
“Thanks, Mike. Stay here.” Chakotay headed toward her. While catching up to her, he realized that the last week had affected her as it had most of the crew. The previous two nights, Chakotay had awoken either hearing the captain yell ‘No’ or just screaming. The insulation between the walls of starships had never been that great. Hearing her howl had ripped at his soul. He wasn’t able to explain why he felt that why but he did. He’d wanted to comfort her as she’d done for him.
Kathryn didn’t have the energy to continue walking. Stopping, she turned to face the lake again. It wasn’t a surprise to her that she’d had a flashback about her father, Justin and the shuttle crash. She’d only talked to Chakotay a couple of days ago about it when she’d tried to help him. Seska leaving Voyager and then coming to this planet where she found this lake that so closely resembled Tau Ceti Prime all involved Cardassians. Coincidence, she huffed. She didn’t think so. Sometimes she felt even the cosmos was against her.
She heard the crunch of boots on ice approaching her. Sighing, she rubbed her face, knowing she’d have to put on her captain’s mask, be perfect, and act as though nothing affected her. She had to be strong for all her crew but she certainly didn’t feel like it now. She felt more vulnerable and fragile then she’d felt in a long time. What she really wanted was to be comforted by her mum like she’d done when she was a child. Nothing in all her years as a Starfleet officer could’ve prepared her for the unrelenting pressure she’d face in the months since being thrust in the Delta Quadrant. Cracks were appearing in her resolve. It was only a matter of time before she crumbled. She knew she wouldn’t be able do it alone any more.
Chakotay stopped next to her, glancing at her.
The captain shrugged off those morbid thoughts for the sake of her crew. Pre-empting him, she looked at her first officer. “I’m fine.” She didn’t intend to go through that horrific experience again. It was bad enough Neelix and Ayala had seen her like that.
“No you’re not, Captain,” Chakotay stated firmly, squaring his shoulders. He thought about appeasing her when he saw her game face but he knew from his experience with his Maquis cell what she needed. And that wasn’t trying to forget why she had a flashback and what was behind it. He didn’t want to push her but he needed to take charge. She’d had a flashback. But why? Could it possibly involve Cardassians or what ever she’d been having nightmares about? Of course, he realized why. Tau Ceti Prime was a frozen world, like this one. She’d lost nearly everything that day. “This is like Tau Ceti …”
“Stop. Please.” Kathryn tensed up again. Her eyes were fixed on the spot in the middle of the lake where in her mind the shuttle had crashed and sunk.
Chakotay stood in front of her forcing her to look at him and blocking her view of the lake. He cared about her - for his captain but more so for his friend. “I was worried about you.”
“I know,” Kathryn whispered, her resolve weakened by his concern. His soft caring tone had cut straight through her.
Chakotay thought of the last time he’d talked with his Spirit guide. After he’d meditated on what his guide had said to him, he came to the only conclusion that seemed possible. Kathryn was his wahkanay. Somehow this woman by his side, whom he’d only met three months ago had formed a bond with him so strong that their souls were now connected. Looking back, he’d felt a spark of something from the moment he’d beamed on to her Bridge.
Chakotay had no choice now. He felt compelled to help her whether she liked or wanted it. One day, he’d explain to her what this connection meant, but for now he was just content to offer his help in any way that he could and vowed to be by her side through thick and thin. “Let me help.”
Kathryn reached out to him.
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