(no subject)

[pook41]

Title: Helping Hand
Author: Pook
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: R rated for swearing
Summary: What happens to our heroes after State of Flux
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Author’s Notes: This part 3 of the 'getting to know' series and follows several months after 'Filling in the Blanks
Prompt Number for fic101:  list 2 - 83 – hand
Disclaimer: CBS/Paramount owns everything. No infringement intended.
Date: 21/2/07

~~*~~

 

“We'll have to wait for another day to settle up with Seska.” Breathing deeply for a few seconds, Kathryn tried quelling the growing anger within her but was failing miserably. Angry didn’t even come close to what she was feeling now. A rage boiled deep inside her. She felt like a volcano ready to erupt. Her blood felt like hot molten lava coursing through her body and she could feel her pulse pounding in her neck. Oh, how she wanted to scream, throw something, anything but she couldn’t. A captain couldn’t throw a hissy fit. Not just yet anyway and not in public.

 

She turned to Tuvok and tersely said, “You have the Bridge for the rest of the shift.” There was absolutely no way that she could sit still in her command chair. She felt like a caged lion, ready to rip something apart. The same could be said for Chakotay, she thought.

 

“Aye, Captain.” Tuvok nodded then left Sickbay with the security detail.

 

The Doctor didn’t need Kes’s empathy to sense the anger emanating from the captain or Chakotay. The captain’s hands were on her hips, her jaw clenched and her nostrils flared. All signs of aggravation that he’d seen before. Mr Chakotay hadn’t moved at all except for a twitch by his right eye. The biobed sensor data confirmed this when his matrix was automatically updated. Their blood pressure and heart rate had risen dramatically but not dangerously. On any other day, he might’ve told them to calm down but not today. Today, he understood what they were feeling and retreated to his office at the same time as Tuvok and the others left, giving them some privacy.

 

Kathryn turned to face the wall. She needed a minute to collect her thoughts as best she could. Her jaw clenched and her hands clasped firmly behind her. If she didn’t hold her hands together then quite possibly one or probably both would’ve punched the wall. Most of the ire was directed toward Seska for what she’d done to Voyager and the danger she’d put them in and to Chakotay. She was angry and embarrassed at herself for not seeing what Seska was and for accusing the innocent Joe Carey, a loyal officer who was caught up in Seska’s conniving web of deceit.

 

She turned around. Chakotay hadn’t moved but it didn’t take a genius to know what Chakotay was feeling which was what she was feeling - a mixture of embarrassment and rage.

 

Since coming to the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay and Kathryn had become friends. They’d had to at first out of a sense of duty as they tried to hold the ship together in the face of the almost insurmountable odds they were facing daily - hostile territory, unknown anomalies, and the uneasy truce between the Maquis and Starfleet crews. They relied on each other and would need to for a very long time to come. The trust that Kathryn had shown in the abilities of Chakotay and B’Elanna by putting them in top positions on the ship had a thawing effect on the ship. Over time, both the crews had seen there were no ulterior motives and they all started to trust each other. Not once, in that time had she regretted her decision to make him her first officer or to merge the rest of the Maquis into Voyager.

 

Ironically, the only good thing to come out of this debacle, she thought, was that it was possible that Seska would be the key to merging the two crews finally together now that everyone had a single enemy to focus their hatred on.

 

Spending a lot of their off duty time together, they’d shared many dinners, working and otherwise, getting to know one another, growing closer. On the Holodeck working out together, playing pool or velocity, they’d discovered they had many things in common such as the same warped sense of humour but there were also differences such as Chakotay’s spiritual beliefs whereas she had none. After Chakotay had showed her how to contact her animal guide, she found the little gecko to be a good listener and problem solver; she became interested in finding out more about his beliefs, genuinely appreciating the simple philosophy of self-help, reflection, and suggestion not overt preaching and reliance on faith. Chakotay’s quiet contemplative nature was something she’d always liked in a man.

 

Poor Chakotay.

 

He didn’t deserve this hurt. How much can one man bear? He’d been let down by Starfleet and the Federation when his family and friends were slaughtered, dumped 70 000 light-years from home and betrayed by Tuvok and now Seska.

 

Her fury was spiking again. Seska had said her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s array was incomprehensible and went on to rant about Federation compassion and nobility. There hadn’t been that much time for Kathryn to look back at her decision. At the time and on reflection now she still thought it was the right thing to do and the compassionate thing to do. The captain realized that Seska was like any other lower deck whinger who probably would never get into the position that she’d been on that day, facing such a dilemma.

 

It was one thing to call her fool. Sometimes she was but trying to destroy a good man was another thing all together. What was it about Cardassians that made them that way? They’d tortured her and Owen; they’d killed her father, caused war after war, atrocity after atrocity, and now this. She’d thought she wouldn’t have to face any Cardassians out here in the Delta Quadrant but now she had to. The scheming bitch was duping Maje Cullah. Good riddance, she thought. The Kazon can have her. Normally, Kathryn wasn’t the type of person who wished another person to die but she hoped that the Maje would discover soon that Seska was only interested in herself and kill her once she pushed him too far.

 

“Fucking Cardassians!” She swore aloud.

 

Hearing the captain swear was enough to shock Chakotay back into reality. It was the first time he’d heard her swear. He’d been saying the same thing in his mind, repeating ‘Cardassian’ over and over. Spirits please preserve me, he thought. What had he done? How could he ever face his sister, the Maquis, and the captain again? Then there was the memory of his father and mother. He was worse than the Cardassians that killed them. He’d been so embarrassed and so riddled with shame, he couldn’t move. He hadn’t been too upset finding out Tuvok had spied on him. Tuvok had been doing his job but never suggesting or doing anything beyond what he’d expected from a typical Maquis tactical officer.

 

Unlike Seska.

 

She’d tried to get him to attack Federation targets but he’d stood firm only attacking Cardassians. Now he knew why. It hadn’t taken long for Seska to revert to being all things Cardassian. All arrogant and scheming as she spouted on how a Cardassian ship would’ve been home by now, about forging alliances for technology and what fools the captain and he were.

 

The arrogant bitch.

 

His nails dug into his palms. But there were things worse than being infiltrated by another spy.

 

Much worse.

 

She’d insinuated herself into his bed. At first, the sex had been just a release for him from the horrors they’d faced but then she’d used sex to try to get her way with what he knew now as empty platitudes of love. The only thing he could be happy about was that he’d stood firm to Seska on operational issues. But he’d still fallen for all of the rest, hook, line, and sinker. All the times she pleasured him and when she’d screamed his name as she orgasmed, and then afterwards as they’d lay in each other’s arms, she’d said she loved him. He snorted, wondering if she’d faked all the orgasms to influence him.

 

He just couldn’t get past that he’d fucked a Cardassian. He’d fucked his hated enemy. He’d fucked the killers and torturers of his parents and those who’d raped his sisters.

 

Not just one fuck but many times - not just a ‘tomorrow we might die’ comfort fuck but for pleasure.

 

For pleasure.

 

It was almost too horrific to contemplate. Bile flooded into his stomach rushing up his oesophagus. Although it had been nine months since they’d last had sex when he’d ended their stormy relationship, the thought of them fucking nearly made him throw up right there. He tried to stop feeling sick but it was hopeless. Gagging, Chakotay gulped down a few breaths but it wasn’t enough to stop the urge to vomit. His hand rushed up to his mouth, trying to hold it in and ran for the head barely making it in time before chucking up his lunch.

 

Kathryn watched Chakotay’s shoulders slump then all of a sudden; his hand flew to his mouth and he raced toward the head. She quickly followed him ignoring her own gag reflex caused by the sight, smell, and sound of someone vomiting. Her heart went out to him because she knew why he was throwing up. Tuvok’s detailed reports on Chakotay’s cell had left nothing out. She rested her hand gently on his shoulder, silently giving him all the support she could.

 

If it was at all possible, her anger doubled again toward that fucking Cardassian bitch as she watched Chakotay, bent over the bowl, vomiting.

 

The Doctor had seen the commander flee to the head followed by the captain. From his office, his olfactory sensors picked up the peculiar acidic smell of human vomit. He went to the replicator, ordered a glass of water and a damp flannel, and then walked to the head. He left the water and cloth on the sink and tapped the captain on her shoulder showing her where he’d put them and left them alone.

 

Chakotay leant back against the wall, his head resting in his hands. Oh God, what the fuck was he going to do? He couldn’t think straight. Images of Seska’s naked body flooded into his mind - of him, lying over her or under her, while they writhed in pleasure. It was sick. And it was making him feel sick again. Gagging once again, he scurried over to the bowl and dry retched again and again.

 

Kathryn watched again as Chakotay lent over the bowl and retched. Her hand rubbed his back until he’d finished. She passed him the water. “Chakotay, drink this.”

 

Numbly, Chakotay took a few sips, swirling the water around his mouth then spitting it out into the bowl. It took three goes before the bile taste was gone.

 

Slumping back against the wall, he allowed his anger to resurface as he thought of the ways that he could kill her to remove the stain of her from him.

 

Slowly.

 

Painfully.

 

He imagined his hands around her scaly throat, squeezing the life out of her or plunging a knife into her stomach and then twisting it, ripping her flesh, watching as her blood and guts spilled out on to the floor in front of her as she died in agony. Where had all this come from? He’d never been an angry man before the Cardassians tore his home - no, his whole world apart. Damn the Cardassians! He slammed his left fist into the wall as he screamed, “Fucking Cardassians!”

 

Surprised, Kathryn jumped a little at the bang of fist meeting tile but didn’t move away. Her hand squeezed his shoulder. Again she offered her silent support and understanding. 

 

Chakotay shook his hand as the pain broke through the fog of his all-encompassing fury. It was a relief in some ways because it gave him something else to think about or feel. He’d cut his knuckles and possibly broken a bone or two. Looking at his hand, he soon became fascinated as his blood flowed down the back of his hand.

 

Seeing the blood, Kathryn grabbed the flannel from the sink and knelt in front of him. Her left hand supported his hand while her right gently wiped the blood away. Nothing the Doctor couldn’t fix unlike what might be going through his mind. A sharp intake of breath as she put pressure on the wounds to stop them bleeding was the only indication that he was in pain. Oh, how she wanted to take the pain away. To make everything bad go away. Chakotay’s large hands were warm to her touch and her tiny fingers disappeared under his long fingers and large palm. His bronze skin was a little darker than normal, flushed because of his anger and pain.

 

Chakotay finally looked at the captain, holding his throbbing hand, stemming the flow of blood. She’d supported him as he’d thrown up, sworn, and punched a wall. None of his previous COs would ever support a subordinate as she was. They’d always been aloof, old school and standoffish and they probably would’ve told him to get a grip or go see a counsellor.

 

The captain was here as his friend, not as his CO. Chakotay watched her focus entirely on his hands, her pale skin against his. This was the first time he consciously acknowledged there was a growing attraction between them, something more than just friendship. He just hoped that he would be able to get over this and that she would forgive him. But he couldn’t look her in the eye when she lifted her head up. He dropped his head, ashamed. Three months of building trust and a strong friendship had gone down the torpedo tube. Now, he was embarrassed because of the trouble Seska had caused her and Voyager.

 

Kathryn grimaced when he wouldn’t look at her. She knew he was going to feel embarrassed and mortified but as far as she was concerned, he’d done nothing wrong. She decided that a change of scenery was required but first his hand needed attention. She stood up and helped him stand up. “Come. We’ll get this fixed and then we’ll talk.”

 

Talking wasn’t what he wanted to do. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to smash a few things or run away and hide from the shame. “Captain, I can’t …”

 

“Chakotay, I don’t want to make it an order but I will.” She was sympathetic with his wish to hide. It might’ve been something she would’ve done if she were in his position. Talking about Seska was the last one thing either of them wanted to do but she knew they needed to do it, for the ship but more importantly for them. She needed him and was relying on him more than ever, for her sanity and for his friendship.

 

“Yes, Captain.” Chakotay followed her out of the head to a biobed.

 

The Doctor had been monitoring the situation in the head, was waiting by the biobed, and quickly repaired the damage.

 

“Thank you, Doctor.” Kathryn ordered and watched the Doctor retreat to his office. When this was all over, she would speak to the Doctor and praise him for his increased sensitivity and tact.

 

Turning back to her first officer, she hadn’t decided whether he wanted to release some frustration or talk over several bottles of something very strong. What she needed was to release some anger and frustration. Her method of choice was hitting the jogging track, running hard until she couldn’t run anymore or hitting the living crap out of hundreds tennis balls but this was for Chakotay.

 

“Computer, is Holodeck one free now?”

 

[i] “Holodeck one is unoccupied until 1900 hours.” [/i]

 

“Computer, book it for the next three hours.”

 

[i] “Holodeck one is reserved for Captain Janeway until 1700 hours.” [/i]

 

“Computer, transport Commander Chakotay and myself to Holodeck one.”

 

A moment later, they rematerialized on the Holodeck.

 

Kathryn walked to the LCARS. Boxing was the main fitness program Chakotay used. “Computer, open Janeway Academy gym program three.”

 

The black and yellow grid was replaced with the Academy gym filled with weight machines, boxing rings and martial arts mats. To the side of the room were several punching bags hanging down.

 

Kathryn walked over to a punching bag and held it tightly to her shoulder making it easier for him to hit. She wanted him to picture Seska and the other Cardassians he’d known on the bag giving him some measure of satisfaction as he pummelled the leather bag as hard as he could. On an intellectual level, it was a silly thing to do but they needed to work their frustrations out of their systems before they could talk about it.

 

“Go ahead. Hit it.”

 

Without thinking, Chakotay stepped up to the bag and began to hit it. Soon he imagined a Cardassian on the bag and he took a lot of pleasure in slamming his fists into the leather.

 

Every now and then, Kathryn would hear a rumble or a grunt of a Gul. If he snarled Seska’s name then she had to brace herself even more because the next series of blows were stronger than the previous ones. Little droplets of sweat trickled down his nose and forehead, his chest puffed up and down with the effort.

 

Chakotay struck the bag again and again. It felt good to pound the bag. He’d batter it for as long as he could while grunting and cursing the names of all the Guls and other Cardassians he’d known. Unfortunately, for his hands, he’d known a great many. He’d known all the names of the men in the platoon that had killed his parents and sisters as well as the rest of the village. When he first joined the Maquis, during the long dark nights hiding out or on a ship, he’d plotted his revenge. He’d been happy that at least a quarter of that platoon was dead at the hands of the Maquis. He was only sorry that it wasn’t his cell that had ambushed the troop carrier that had carrying them.

 

His family. His parents Kolopak and Hateya and two sisters were dead. They hadn’t just died of disease or old age. That implied a natural cause of death. No. They’d been tortured then slaughtered by the very race that he’d taken to his bed. How could he have been so stupid? What had he been thinking? Clearly, he hadn’t been thinking at all or not thinking with the right bit of his anatomy.

 

“Arrghhhhh!” He let fly with all his power knocking Kathryn off her feet. He didn’t notice her fall backwards because he’d spun around and stormed off toward the boxing ring.

 

Kathryn landed on her backside with a thump. She wasn’t hurt, just taken by surprise by the ferocity of his punches. She stood up and walked over to Chakotay who had hold of the ropes. They’d come a long way since that first week when they’d been very formal and regimented. They were almost too polite. Neither of them wanted to make any mistakes. Too much relied on them getting along. As they got used to each other, they’d begun to relax. There had been the good times where they’d laughed together and the bad where they’d worried about the other. But they hadn’t seen each other really mad. Kathryn had been angry at the other races like the Vidiians and the Sikarans and closer to home with Tom and Tuvok but they hadn’t caused Kathryn to nearly loose control, as had the mere mention of the word ‘Cardassian’. That race had them both of them seething. Kathryn had a terrible history with them, most of which Chakotay didn’t know as it was classified, while she knew most of his problems with them.

 

It was time to tell him some of it as a way of understanding. “Had enough?”

 

“Yes.” Chakotay breathed hard. He was hot, sweating, and exhausted.

 

“Computer, site to site transport for Commander Chakotay and myself to my quarters.”

 

They rematerialized in her living room.

 

Kathryn went to her linen cupboard, retrieved a towel, and tossed it to Chakotay so he could mop his sweat away. “Please sit down. I’ll be back in a minute.” Kathryn walked into her bedroom to her special climate controlled storage box and took out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses then strode back into the living room.

 

Pouring a shot in each glass, she passed one to Chakotay.

 

Chakotay watched as she swirled the brown liquid in her glass before she downed it in one swallow. She grimaced as the pungent liquor hit the back of her throat. He’d never been a big drinker so he sipped his. She poured another one for herself, needing the Dutch courage it gave her. Kathryn decided to tell him about her father’s death. Her experiences as an ensign with Owen Paris could wait for another time.

 

“Chakotay, what I’m about to tell you is classified ultra top secret. I’ll be in serious trouble if we ever get back to the Federation but considering what’s just happened I don’t really give a shit anymore.” Kathryn swallowed some more whiskey. The hot liquid hit her stomach, and it went straight to her head, somehow giving her a sense of clarity. She was here because she cared about him, deeply and more than any fellow officer she’d ever known. “Chakotay, you are far more important to me than protecting the Federation’s dirty secrets.”

 

Chakotay was taken aback. The captain hadn’t said he was important to the ship but to her. And it was the way she said it. It was in the emotion in her voice.

 

“Chakotay, when you read my record there were several classified sections. Thirteen years ago, when I was a lieutenant, I was in a bad shuttle crash. I …”

 

He remembered reading her record and the three sealed sections. There was only a brief mention of the crash and then her time off afterwards. “The shuttle crash? Was your father with you?”

 

“Yes and another man, my first fiancé, Justin Tighe. He was a Lieutenant in the Rangers. They both died on Tau Ceti Prime.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Chakotay shuddered. She’d lost her father and her fiancé and nearly died herself. It hadn’t mentioned in her record that Lieutenant Tighe was anything special to her. How did ever she recover from such a blow? He knew of Mark Johnson, her present fiancé.  They’d talked about him once and now he realized that she’d effectively lost him too. He wondered if she knew that there would come a time when she’d have to let him go in her heart. Starfleet was sure to have reported them missing and in another three months would consider them lost. Mr Johnson would then move on but what would happen to her? It was another blow.

 

“It was a long time ago,” said Kathryn quietly.

 

Chakotay could feel that it was still close to the surface by her tone.

 

“My dad was Starfleet’s top shuttle designer for high performance tactical fighters. He spent the last two years of his life; designing ships for what he knew would be coming. Another war with the damned Cardassians. His last design was a technological leap forward. Faster, more manoeuvrable than anything the Cardies had and so he was a marked man. Some how the Cardassians got wind of the test flight schedule. My father was doing the last flight test before handing it over to the UP shipyards and he wanted to show off his latest creation to me and ...”

 

 

 

Two hours later and with the bottle empty on the table, Kathryn had told him about the death of her father and Justin and that she knew that the Cardassians had killed him and how she’d been gagged by Starfleet not to reveal what she’d known.  She’d told him all that so he knew that she understood in a small way what he was going through. She told him she would’ve been sick to her stomach too if her lover had turned out to be a Cardassian. In turn, Chakotay had told her everything.

 

Anyone could offer a bucket load of the usual clichés over someone’s loss and the anger of Seska’s betrayal but in the end they would sound like empty platitudes if you hadn’t suffered in a similar loss as they had. They had something in common; their fathers were both killed by the Cardassians and they could build on that understanding, finding a way through what had happened to him and them.

 

And this is what they’d done.

 

Kathryn knew Chakotay had one more thing he had to do before he could get some measure of peace. He would need to contact his Spirit guide. “Chakotay, you need to speak with your animal guide.”

 

Tired, Chakotay rubbed his eyes. He’d been through the ringer today but talking with the captain. No, he laughed to himself. He hadn’t been talking with his captain. He’d just poured his soul out to Kathryn. He’d known her only for three months but she seemed to understand him almost completely and what he needed on a day like today was a friend not just as a colleague. “I’ll try.”

 

“Good.” Kathryn stood up from the couch and offered her hand to help him up and the both walked to the door. She knew he would need some time away to think it all through. “You’re off duty …”

 

“Captain …” Chakotay didn’t want to neglect his duties.

 

“You’re off duty until tomorrow.” Kathryn repeated but with a growing smile. “Tuvok and I and then the gamma shift are quite capable of looking after my ship for the rest of the day and night. We’ll have a meeting tomorrow at 1000 hours to sort through everything.”

 

“Yes, Captain.”

 

“That’s settled then.” Without thinking, Kathryn drew him into a hug and wrapped her arms around him. It just felt like the right thing to do and it felt good. She whispered, “We’ll get through this. Together. If you want to talk some more, you know where I live.” 

 

Chakotay mumbled an okay as he felt her hand pat his back, a little mildly surprised but it felt natural and comfortable. She was a tactile person but nonetheless it felt wonderful. Slowly, Chakotay moved his hands to around her back and returned the embrace. “Thankyou, Captain. For everything.” And he meant it. To disclose ultra top-secret information to a known enemy of the Federation and to reveal all that she’d lost to him must’ve been difficult for her. It showed the level of trust she had in him. He then vowed that he would work hard at ensuring that the trust was deserved. 

 

“Kathryn.”

 

“Captain?”

 

“It’s my first name. After today, I think it’s time you called me by it. At least, in private. Don’t you?” With a warm smile, Kathryn stepped back from him.

 

“Yes, Cap…. I mean, Kathryn.” Chakotay returned her grin. It felt strange and would take a bit of time to get used to calling her by her first name unlike the hug that felt very comforting. It hadn’t taken any time to get completely comfortable with that at all.

 

“See you tomorrow, Chakotay.” Kathryn pressed the door button and watched him leave her quarters.

 

“Good bye, Kathryn.” He headed for his cabin a few steps down the hall.

 

Kathryn had to freshen up before returning to the Bridge. Heading for the bathroom, she stripped out of her uniform, had a quick sonic shower, redressed, and then headed for the Bridge for the remainder of the beta shift.

 

Once inside his quarters, Chakotay didn’t want to put off what he knew he had to do. He wouldn’t be able to sleep properly if he delayed trying to make sense of it all. Finding his medicine bundle, he sat on the floor in his living room. With a little trepidation, he lay his hand on the akoonah and concentrated on the stone. “A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people…”

 

He opened his eyes and he was in the familiar field behind his childhood home on Trebus. The tall grasses swayed in the hot breeze while the sun beat down on him, almost feeling the heat radiating off the dirt. Most of his memories of his childhood in the village were idyllic, filled with fun and adventure. He walked to his favourite spot where he knew his spirit guide would be waiting.

 

From a distance, he could see the wolf leaning against the rock, sunning herself. Occasionally her tail waved about slowly. When he reached the rock, he saw a small lizard. His father and mother would appear to him as they were the last time he’d seen them. He’d never seen any other animal on a spirit quest. It must be another person’s Spirit guide.

 

While he was looking at the little grey gecko trying to think who’s animal guide it could be, the wolf jumped up on the rock and sat down next to the lizard. “Chakotay, we know you’re troubled but we’re here to help.”

 

“We?”

 

“The gecko is here as your wahkanay.”

 

“Wahkanay? That means soul mate doesn’t it?” Chakotay remembered his father telling him about how he knew his mother was his wahkanay. His father had told him that story with so much emotion and reverence, the old man’s eye misted over with tears.

 

Chakotay was surprised because he thought he would have know if he’d met his soul mate.

 

“Yes, it does.” The little gecko turned to face him. “She’s with you out there now.”

 

Before he could question the Spirit guides any further, his parents appeared to him. He still felt ashamed at what he’d done but his mother put him to ease straight away as she hugged him tightly, reassuring him.

 

“Chakotay, we forgive you as you must forgive yourself. Come and sit down. Let’s talk…”